Losing


Dear Eugene,

This is what Jesus said, "Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and whoever does not take up the cross and follow me is not worthy of me.  Those who find their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it."

How is one to understand this?

One implication, I believe, is that no one can start to say one knows God without losing something of huge significance.  And to lose oneself bit by bit and finally completely is not the goal, even less the accomplishment, but the very beginning, the first baby step of loving God, finding life's true worth and living it.

I am glad Jesus put it that way, allowed no false hope on false promises.  What he said wasn't even a demand, let alone a cruel one.  It'd be true cruelty if we are to find out the truth on our own, like a motherless child, a desert wanderer, knowing not what the hell is happening to us as we wither away day by day, from the cradle to the grave.

Yet wither away we do.  Deep down we know why but we pretend we don't.  There is always a reason why I am dying but it's never me.  Someone or something else is responsibly for my losing it and I must devote my time my energy my entirety to gain back what I think I lost but know not what.  We are raging against desperation and we call that purpose and progress, will and thrill.  If we slow down to count the sand on our feet we would go crazy.

Jesus could have said, Well, it's ok too, the way you are going at it.  Just give life a few deeper thoughts from time to time, stay decent and sociable, active and healthy, and things will just fall into their right places (at retirement).  He spoke the truth and died to live it.

I don't think I have lost enough of myself to say I know God.  The question I am hearing now, tonight, is one step back from the starting line: What are you ready to lose?

Yours, Alex

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