(Com)passionless


Dear Eugene,

Can a person yearn for God without compassion in his heart?  Can a person go through a day without agonizing about the suffering of others, restoration of a broken creation, and still think somehow God would fit in the picture?

Some theology tells us compassion has nothing to do with it.  Not that we don't talk about God is love, but being "in the right" with God is all about God's "choosing."  Choosing me, of course.

The conclusion is, it is important to care for others (especially when getting closer to Christmas), but not essential for a person to "make it" to "heaven."  What marks a person out is her "conversion" experience, "saying yes to Jesus," and the rest (such as loving others, even our enemies) we can work on it, at times in earnest, but certainly no need to be the first thought in the morning.  What I need is to hold on to the blessed assurance that God has chosen me, and everything else will--might--follow.  In time.

Then one day, all of a sudden, honesty.  He didn't know what happened or maybe he did; somehow he allowed himself to be honest for once.  And he asked: How do I know I am truly "saved"?

So what happened?  Maybe a certain sinful act is getting out of control, the beast can no longer be kept at bay.  Maybe it dawned on him that this broken world is now broken worse not only in spite of him but because of him.  He was given good things, good people, great relationships, deep love, and somehow he found a way to trash them all.  Sometimes the trashing is done in the name of God, backed by scriptures.

Honesty speaks: If you think God actually chose you, you are living a grand illusion.  You don't even like yourself.  You don't give a shit about anything other than how you look how you feel what to eat and when is the next pleasure and a strategy to secure it--at the expense of others, of course, how else?

Church speaks: Well, that's demon talking.  Don't believe it.  Not a word of it.  God loves you and loves you still.  You are good enough--"just the way you are" (you heard that before from the most derivative pop tunes) .  God makes his choice and you better believe he chose you.  Don't you try to undo what Christ has done on the cross--for you!--with your little doubts.  Doubts are fine, but make them short.  Plunge right back into more God work, and they will dissipate.  Surround yourself with the voice of saints and you will hear angel singing.

Then Monday morning.  Once every 7 days, damn it.  You wake up and feel empty.  You look at the news and know the world is screaming in a deafening silence.  You know it has everything to do with your humanity but there is nothing you can do about it.  You know you will have lunch soon enough but you don't even want to eat.  The ritual of eating and left utterly empty is nauseating, even the thought of it.  You are thinking about the weekend already but there really is nothing to look forward to: same sunshine, same mall, same favorite restaurant, same sermon.  You need something exotic, new stuffs, new people. Maybe a new God.  Can we do something to make going to church like going for a vacation?  Can someone do something to make stuffs interesting to me again?

Yeah, maybe that's what we need, to make stuffs new again, exciting, interesting again, like how it used to be when we were younger, no need to worry about stuffs.  Getting old is so lonely.

Waking up to a Monday morning, Alex

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