Lost and Found
Dear Eugene,
After all these years I still shudder.
I shudder at the thought of the kind of pompous soapbox orator I was on track to become if not for your kicking the soapbox from underneath me. You are a gentle, most patient pastor, but you kick hard. You have Jesus strength.
I was interested in theology from very early on, gobbling up stuffs from all over the buffet table, not wanting to miss a thing, on a mission, with no time to waste. I didn't notice signs of indigestion, even though what came out of me looked disgusting and certain stank to high heaven--in more senses than one.
No one can claim to be on The Way that is Jesus without doing things, living life, in the Jesus way; you taught me. You didn't say it in only so many words but in thousands more and a hundred different ways. That's when I first knew what a true pastor, a true shepherd is. I was very disillusioned about the whole church thing then.
“I want to develop discernments that say an unapologetic "no" to ways that violate the gospel of Jesus Christ,” you once said. “The way of Jesus cannot be imposed or mapped — it requires an active participation in following Jesus as he leads us through sometimes strange and unfamiliar territory, in circumstances that become clear only in the hesitations and questionings, in the pauses and reflections where we engage in prayerful conversation with one another and with him.” I use this line for my Small Group description.
I still remember the Rob Bell, so-called "Hellgate" incident from years ago. For months I couldn't wrap my head around what you said, even though, after hundreds of re-reading, I must have almost memorized your words. You said, "I don’t agree with everything Rob Bell says. But I think they’re worth saying." But I said, "How can we let bad doctrines go unchecked?" You said, "Rob Bell and anyone else who is baptized is my brother or my sister. We have different ways of looking at things, but we are all a part of the kingdom of God." But I was not too sure if I want a brother who believes in the wrong things...
So much can be said about my arrogance then. So much still needs to be done about my arrogance now. Yet the least that needs to be spoken is that I was putting my faith in what I claimed to be right doctrines; I wasn't having faith in Jesus. If Jesus was whom I yearned to know and love more, I would have understood what you said right then and there. Like how that little Celine Dion jingle goes, "Don't give up on your faith..." I was having faith in my faith. I was an idol worshiper.
"There’s very little Christ, very little Jesus, in these people who are fighting Rob Bell." That was your line I used to find hardest to swallow. That was because I was having very, very little Jesus in me then.
Was there an Eureka! moment when I declared "I once was blind but now I see," that I finally understood what you meant? No, I don't think so. It all came in fits and starts (you are a pastor, you know how it goes). Even now the temptation is still often strong to backslide to the dangerous safety of my arrogance.
But do you know how God kept me in check?
He gave me a rebellious son. And my son gave me many Hallelujah! moments cried out in bitter tears, glimpses of heaven that feel like hell.
I didn't find Jesus; he found me.
Yours, Alex
After all these years I still shudder.
I shudder at the thought of the kind of pompous soapbox orator I was on track to become if not for your kicking the soapbox from underneath me. You are a gentle, most patient pastor, but you kick hard. You have Jesus strength.
I was interested in theology from very early on, gobbling up stuffs from all over the buffet table, not wanting to miss a thing, on a mission, with no time to waste. I didn't notice signs of indigestion, even though what came out of me looked disgusting and certain stank to high heaven--in more senses than one.
No one can claim to be on The Way that is Jesus without doing things, living life, in the Jesus way; you taught me. You didn't say it in only so many words but in thousands more and a hundred different ways. That's when I first knew what a true pastor, a true shepherd is. I was very disillusioned about the whole church thing then.
“I want to develop discernments that say an unapologetic "no" to ways that violate the gospel of Jesus Christ,” you once said. “The way of Jesus cannot be imposed or mapped — it requires an active participation in following Jesus as he leads us through sometimes strange and unfamiliar territory, in circumstances that become clear only in the hesitations and questionings, in the pauses and reflections where we engage in prayerful conversation with one another and with him.” I use this line for my Small Group description.
I still remember the Rob Bell, so-called "Hellgate" incident from years ago. For months I couldn't wrap my head around what you said, even though, after hundreds of re-reading, I must have almost memorized your words. You said, "I don’t agree with everything Rob Bell says. But I think they’re worth saying." But I said, "How can we let bad doctrines go unchecked?" You said, "Rob Bell and anyone else who is baptized is my brother or my sister. We have different ways of looking at things, but we are all a part of the kingdom of God." But I was not too sure if I want a brother who believes in the wrong things...
So much can be said about my arrogance then. So much still needs to be done about my arrogance now. Yet the least that needs to be spoken is that I was putting my faith in what I claimed to be right doctrines; I wasn't having faith in Jesus. If Jesus was whom I yearned to know and love more, I would have understood what you said right then and there. Like how that little Celine Dion jingle goes, "Don't give up on your faith..." I was having faith in my faith. I was an idol worshiper.
"There’s very little Christ, very little Jesus, in these people who are fighting Rob Bell." That was your line I used to find hardest to swallow. That was because I was having very, very little Jesus in me then.
Was there an Eureka! moment when I declared "I once was blind but now I see," that I finally understood what you meant? No, I don't think so. It all came in fits and starts (you are a pastor, you know how it goes). Even now the temptation is still often strong to backslide to the dangerous safety of my arrogance.
But do you know how God kept me in check?
He gave me a rebellious son. And my son gave me many Hallelujah! moments cried out in bitter tears, glimpses of heaven that feel like hell.
I didn't find Jesus; he found me.
Yours, Alex
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